Helpful ER Hints

Just want to give you all some helpful tips when visiting the ER.  Please note, if you don't have a slight bit of dry humor these will not be funny to you, but if you choose to read them you choose to not take offense.  Just saying, and yes these are all actual events, names have been changed to protect the innocent.

#1.  Your athlete's foot that has been bothering you for the last three months is not an emergency on Sunday afternoon.
#2.  If you tell me your kid has a fever, I believe you.  Please, please, please do not withhold Tylenol or Motrin from the child for the sake of "proving" it to me.  The last thing I want to see is 104.9 on the thermometer, I tend to get worked up.  Oh and don't tell me you can't afford it, I do have a nose and can smell the $4.00 pack of cigarettes you smoked on your way here, you have money for your kid.
#3.  If you last period was two weeks ago, and it was a regular period, at the right time I seriously doubt you are pregnant.  And if you think you are go to Walmart, pregnancy test are $4.00 and will give you the same answer your $200 ER visit just did - negative!
#4.  Wearing your last two ER visit bracelets to your current ER visit will tell us two things - you are a frequent flyer AND you haven't showered anytime recently.  Let me cut those off for you.
#5.  At times the ER is a place where actual medical emergencies are occurring.  Yes I realize that your discharge paperwork will take less than 5 minutes, but with only two nurses working in the ER 5 minutes is alot of brain-blood flow time for a person not breathing.  I sometimes do have other priorities.
#6.  If you want lots and lots of attention come in saying you have chest pain.  Yep!  It's a one way ticket to the big room, but don't even tell me once you get there and I have every department in the hospital headed my way to help you that it really is not that bad.  Chest pain is chest pain, if it ain't chest pain don't say it was.
#7.  Mom was right when she told us to always wear clean underwear or just wear underwear in general.  If you choose not to, be prepared to go commando. 
#8.  Don't deny being a drug user and then sit outside our waiting room soliciting pain meds from employees coming on duty.  We will call the sheriff's department to explain to you what being a drug user is, and they will not be as nice as we would have been had you been honest the whole time.
#9.  Babies don't have to poop every day.  For real, if they aren't fussy count your blessings, that was one day you didn't have to smell baby poop.
#10. Regarding ambulance use:  If you call an ambulance for your dermatitis it does not guarantee we will send you straight to a room, more than likely you will be triaged and sent to the waiting room to sit next to athlete's foot and pregnancy test.  However, if you sever your radial artery and blood is pumping out of it and you live more than 10 minutes away it is ok to call an ambulance.  They appreciate being able to actually help someone from time to time.  It helps them feel all helpful.

Hope you all enjoy!